Confession: I have completely have fallen off the wagon.
Ever since the tragedy in my life things have not been the same. I thought I could just pull through. I had a rough week after everything was said and done and figured I would just bounce back. Apparently not! I have been on a crazy emotional roller coaster of ups and downs, happy, sad, angry, etc. This has been way harder than I thought. Aside from fighting my own emotions and putting on the front that everything is ok, I had stopped working out and eating has gotten out of control. I think I spent an entire week playing on facebook, watching mindless television, and working (if necessary).
Finally, last week I dragged myself out of the apartment and ventured out to the gym. Squeezed in a short workout and actually felt a little better. Not enough to return for another week, but I did return this week...twice!! While I was at the gym I noticed something they are doing for the holiday season. Basically they had all the gym members wanting to participate come in on Nov. 23 donate $5 to the angel tree and weigh in a starting weight. Then, have everyone come back on Jan. 3rd and weigh in again. They are going to give out prizes to people who maintain or lose weight. Obviously, the prizes will be better for more percentage of weight loss. So I did it. I weighed in!!! ACK!!!! It was the first time I weighed myself since the pregnancy. I was so scared. Not because someone else was going to know my weight, but because I was afraid of the weight I had gained. It wasn't as bad as I thought, so that makes me feel a little better. So whats my goal? Between, now and Jan 3 how much should I lose? I'm thinking get myself under 200. Approximately 23 pounds.
So today is Thanksgiving. I should be carefully and plan out some healthy meal....My game plan....don't eat till I hurt and don't get seconds. Just one serving and a small dessert.
My game plan for the rest of the holidays.....Don't over eat.
This is what I have planned so far to make it through the holidays:
Step One: Make it to the gym 3 times a week.
Step Two: cut out fast food
Step Three: don't eat late at night
Step Four: Find the motivation and drive to want to eat and cook healthy.
Ok I will try to keep you posted. Let's see if I can make my goal!!
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
A Much Needed Update!!!!!!!
Hello My Friends!!!
I know how it's been FOREVER!!!! There is so much to update and hopefully this will explain why I have not blogged in sooooooo long!!!!
On September 27th my husband and I found out that we were pregnant. Of course this was a surprise to us. Needless to say our heads began to spin. Should we move? Do we buy a car? How can we afford this? Names? What to do next? Though we were surprised and shocked we were also very excited. This threw a wrench in everything!
First of all: My weight loss journey. I was not down to the weight I would have liked to been. Plus it put everything on hold. Since not only I CANNOT lose weight while pregnant I was going to GAIN weight. This bothered me because part of the reason why I wanted to lose weight aside from health and good looks. I want to be smaller so that my weight didn't affect my pregnancy. (I know I'm not super overweight, but there has been a trend in my family to have difficult pregnancy first time around and I wanted to be as healthy as possible for that day, thinking it would be in 3-5 years not RIGHT NOW!!) So I decided to continue to work out and attempt to eat as healthy as possible and try not to give into all of my cravings. I craved a few things but mainly just avoided a lot of foods that made me nauseous.
Second of all: My life drastically changed and keeping it a secret was hard to do. Everything at my work made me want to throw up. So keeping my cool and color was tough. On top of that I stopped going out. I know I could still go out and be sociable, but I was sooo tired that I just wanted to go straight home lay down and munch on saltines or pickles. I told a few people but the majority didn't know and I was searching for excuses for being so tired and never wanting to go out.
Third of all: I took on a second job for a week working at the fair. So I was surrounded by food temptation and was tired beyond all reason. Working the fair, then work. Right after the fait I signed on to intern for a film. So I get pregnant and immediately get super busy and just don't slow down to let my body adjust.
Finally all of our fiancees, living situation, everything would drastically change and we didn't know where to begin.
As you can tell my world was spinning and my life was moving at about 100mph. So finding time to blog was nowhere to be found.
On October 18th I went in for my 8 week doctor appointment. I was excited to see how the baby progressed and hear the heart beat. The doctor comes in does the ultra sound and nothing. He keeps looking makes a face and ends the ultra sound. He pointed out the sac with the egg sac inside and what looked like another egg sac. He figured I wasn't as far along as thought and to come back in week to see if the baby had progressed. He also wanted to take some blood track my hormonal growth and see how far they are growing incase it is twins. I was asked to come back on Wednesday to take my blood again. I received a call from my doctor Wednesday he looked at my lab and was concerned. My hormones were so high that there should have been a baby and a heartbeat in the ultrasound. He needed me to come back to take more blood and track the hormonal growth. I wasn't able to make it back on Wednesday so I went on thursday.
At that moment, my head was out of control. I didn't know what to think, what to feel, how to react. Thankfully, I was able to talk to my mom and she really encouraged me and prayed over me. I went in on Thursday to take my blood and waiting for the results was so hard. All day friday I jumped every time my phone rang and kept checking the clock. Finally, 1:45pm I got the call. My hormones had gone down. Which means the baby had stopped developing and it was an abnormal pregnancy.
My heart dropped. I couldn't breathe. All I could do was cry. I just cried in my husbands arms until I had no more tears. He was great, he held me, told me that it would be ok and that we would get through this. All week my husband and I prayed and kept saying "God this is in you're hands" so when we heard the news we just prayed "God we put this in your hands and now we need you" My husband asked me what I wanted to do that night and all I wanted was family. So we called the family and all of them were able to get together. We had dinner and just were with each other. Seeing my nieces and nephews was more helpful than I thought. Just playing with them and being able to hold baby Maddie brought so much warmth to my heart. It was so good to have family around to know that we are loved and have a support.
Yesterday I had a final ultra sound for closure and a chance to decide what to do next. Unfortunately this has not taken care of itself naturally. We decided to wait just a little bit longer and if nothing happens to go ahead and move forward with a medication that will move things along. This was a tough decision, but I feel at peace the most with this decision. Once everything has passed on, and I can move forward I will restart my weight loss journey. So please keep us in your prayers. I will keep everyone updated.
I know how it's been FOREVER!!!! There is so much to update and hopefully this will explain why I have not blogged in sooooooo long!!!!
On September 27th my husband and I found out that we were pregnant. Of course this was a surprise to us. Needless to say our heads began to spin. Should we move? Do we buy a car? How can we afford this? Names? What to do next? Though we were surprised and shocked we were also very excited. This threw a wrench in everything!
First of all: My weight loss journey. I was not down to the weight I would have liked to been. Plus it put everything on hold. Since not only I CANNOT lose weight while pregnant I was going to GAIN weight. This bothered me because part of the reason why I wanted to lose weight aside from health and good looks. I want to be smaller so that my weight didn't affect my pregnancy. (I know I'm not super overweight, but there has been a trend in my family to have difficult pregnancy first time around and I wanted to be as healthy as possible for that day, thinking it would be in 3-5 years not RIGHT NOW!!) So I decided to continue to work out and attempt to eat as healthy as possible and try not to give into all of my cravings. I craved a few things but mainly just avoided a lot of foods that made me nauseous.
Second of all: My life drastically changed and keeping it a secret was hard to do. Everything at my work made me want to throw up. So keeping my cool and color was tough. On top of that I stopped going out. I know I could still go out and be sociable, but I was sooo tired that I just wanted to go straight home lay down and munch on saltines or pickles. I told a few people but the majority didn't know and I was searching for excuses for being so tired and never wanting to go out.
Third of all: I took on a second job for a week working at the fair. So I was surrounded by food temptation and was tired beyond all reason. Working the fair, then work. Right after the fait I signed on to intern for a film. So I get pregnant and immediately get super busy and just don't slow down to let my body adjust.
Finally all of our fiancees, living situation, everything would drastically change and we didn't know where to begin.
As you can tell my world was spinning and my life was moving at about 100mph. So finding time to blog was nowhere to be found.
On October 18th I went in for my 8 week doctor appointment. I was excited to see how the baby progressed and hear the heart beat. The doctor comes in does the ultra sound and nothing. He keeps looking makes a face and ends the ultra sound. He pointed out the sac with the egg sac inside and what looked like another egg sac. He figured I wasn't as far along as thought and to come back in week to see if the baby had progressed. He also wanted to take some blood track my hormonal growth and see how far they are growing incase it is twins. I was asked to come back on Wednesday to take my blood again. I received a call from my doctor Wednesday he looked at my lab and was concerned. My hormones were so high that there should have been a baby and a heartbeat in the ultrasound. He needed me to come back to take more blood and track the hormonal growth. I wasn't able to make it back on Wednesday so I went on thursday.
At that moment, my head was out of control. I didn't know what to think, what to feel, how to react. Thankfully, I was able to talk to my mom and she really encouraged me and prayed over me. I went in on Thursday to take my blood and waiting for the results was so hard. All day friday I jumped every time my phone rang and kept checking the clock. Finally, 1:45pm I got the call. My hormones had gone down. Which means the baby had stopped developing and it was an abnormal pregnancy.
My heart dropped. I couldn't breathe. All I could do was cry. I just cried in my husbands arms until I had no more tears. He was great, he held me, told me that it would be ok and that we would get through this. All week my husband and I prayed and kept saying "God this is in you're hands" so when we heard the news we just prayed "God we put this in your hands and now we need you" My husband asked me what I wanted to do that night and all I wanted was family. So we called the family and all of them were able to get together. We had dinner and just were with each other. Seeing my nieces and nephews was more helpful than I thought. Just playing with them and being able to hold baby Maddie brought so much warmth to my heart. It was so good to have family around to know that we are loved and have a support.
Yesterday I had a final ultra sound for closure and a chance to decide what to do next. Unfortunately this has not taken care of itself naturally. We decided to wait just a little bit longer and if nothing happens to go ahead and move forward with a medication that will move things along. This was a tough decision, but I feel at peace the most with this decision. Once everything has passed on, and I can move forward I will restart my weight loss journey. So please keep us in your prayers. I will keep everyone updated.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Week 16 Day 2
Confession: I was actually somewhat successful at eating healthy yesterday.
I got up, had a decent breakfast, worked out, stayed on track with lunch, then went out to dinner with the family and still was able to order a rather healthy meal. I like to think I've been doing this all along but I have definitely derailed over the past 3 or 4 weeks.
However, I am getting back on track and that is what matters. I even managed to think through what I will need to pack for lunches while I'm at work, so my grocery store trip was more successful than usual. So goal is to stay on track make it to the gym 3-4 more times this week.
I've realized I've been in a rut for the past few weeks and I need to make changes. This is more difficult than getting started. I always start off really good, but get tired and lazy and lose focus. My trainer says its all in the mind and I just have to change my mind set....I'm changing 26 years of bad habits and laziness. There is a lot of work to be done. Not to mention my job greatly effects my efforts. Being surrounded by food all the time, and around young college kids who's metabolism is still in high gear and can get away with eating late at night, or eating crap food. One of the things I struggle with is post work. Everyone, especially on the weekends wants to go out to unwind from work. I usually am one of them because I get so amped from running around, dealing with so many people, working at a fast pace, etc...going out just seems natural. On top of that my husband works graveyard, so I work when he does, even though I get off late at night, he is either on his way to work or already at work. So I come home to an empty house, no husband to talk to, unwind with, or just be with. Its me and the dog, and the TV and the want to eat. Going out with friends has turned into a coping-mechanism to deal with not seeing my husband when I get off work. Which in turn has turned into late night eating of bad food.
This journey has forced me to face my emotional eating, and the sources from which it stems. It has been rough and there is still a lot to dig through. I feel many changes in my life will happen because of this journey.
ONWARD AND UPWARD!
I got up, had a decent breakfast, worked out, stayed on track with lunch, then went out to dinner with the family and still was able to order a rather healthy meal. I like to think I've been doing this all along but I have definitely derailed over the past 3 or 4 weeks.
However, I am getting back on track and that is what matters. I even managed to think through what I will need to pack for lunches while I'm at work, so my grocery store trip was more successful than usual. So goal is to stay on track make it to the gym 3-4 more times this week.
I've realized I've been in a rut for the past few weeks and I need to make changes. This is more difficult than getting started. I always start off really good, but get tired and lazy and lose focus. My trainer says its all in the mind and I just have to change my mind set....I'm changing 26 years of bad habits and laziness. There is a lot of work to be done. Not to mention my job greatly effects my efforts. Being surrounded by food all the time, and around young college kids who's metabolism is still in high gear and can get away with eating late at night, or eating crap food. One of the things I struggle with is post work. Everyone, especially on the weekends wants to go out to unwind from work. I usually am one of them because I get so amped from running around, dealing with so many people, working at a fast pace, etc...going out just seems natural. On top of that my husband works graveyard, so I work when he does, even though I get off late at night, he is either on his way to work or already at work. So I come home to an empty house, no husband to talk to, unwind with, or just be with. Its me and the dog, and the TV and the want to eat. Going out with friends has turned into a coping-mechanism to deal with not seeing my husband when I get off work. Which in turn has turned into late night eating of bad food.
This journey has forced me to face my emotional eating, and the sources from which it stems. It has been rough and there is still a lot to dig through. I feel many changes in my life will happen because of this journey.
ONWARD AND UPWARD!
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Week 15 Day 6
Confession: Last week I was on vacation and I ate horribly.
Last week my In-Laws were staying at Grand Lake, so my husband and I drove out to stay with them. It was a very relaxing week, we slept in, hung out, played lots of cards, and ate. Some of the food was good food. However, there were snacky foods that weren't so great, candy, chips, etc. We also ate out as well, so overall not a good food week. I did manage to work out a little while on vacation, but not enough to make up for the poor food choices I was making. We are back now, I will get back on track.
What bothers me is as I go through this process I've realized that my thought process towards food is very twisted. First it was addressing my emotionally eating, that I reason in my head I can eat what I want when I'm emotional. Then facing the idea that people reward us with bad food. Now it's "oh I'm on vacation" I can let down because I'm on vacation. The list grows from there, its the holidays, its my birthday, there is "nothing" to eat so I "have to eat this" it goes on and on and on. We have given ourselves so many excuses, reasons, why I can eat what I want. It is as if, I'm in denial about what I'm doing to myself. Even though I am starting to see the truth, I still find myself falling into that twisted thought process and making the bad choices. Though weight loss is a physical battle the mental is a battle that I am now waging war upon.
So my first battle, facing the gym. I've started to go and I'm slowly warming up to it.....mainly because when I go it's in the afternoon and there is barely anybody there. So I feel a little better cause there are fewer eyes that are potentially on me. Plus I don't have to wait for machines. Next step...classes. I need to start attending, cause its a great way to make 45 minutes of cardio to go by fast....and possibly make friends at the gym. Then maybe get a gym buddy. The gym needs to be a part of my everyday routine. So when I miss a day, I feel it immediately and will force myself to keep going.
My second battle FOOD!!! When I go grocery shopping I do very well, buy the right stuff, and stay on track. Then I go to work, I don't pack a lunch and then I fall. Reason in my head that since I don't have any food to eat, I have to eat something. I need to be more prepared. Not to mention if I'm out and bout before I go to work and don't have the "time" to pack my lunch I'm not making good choices on where to go to grab a healthy lunch before work. Also I need to have good food to eat late at night when I get home from work. So I don't binge on chips and salsa or late night pizza. Not to mention when I showed my trainer my food journal....she wasn't too please. I guess I'm not doing as good as I thought I was.
On the upside. My trainer did the typical weigh you, pinch you, and find out how much work they have in store for them. I know...how is this up? Well first of all when she weighed me I had lost two pounds. That is upside numero uno!!! Also when she pinched me my body fat is at like a 32% (I don't know for sure, I was looking over her shoulder) which is a plus for me. You see the last time I had my body fat measured I was at 47% which means my hard work is paying off. I still have a long ways to go, but progress is being made.
LASTLY!!! Biggest Loser is back on, a good source of inspiration to keep me going.
ONWARD AND UPWARD!!!
Last week my In-Laws were staying at Grand Lake, so my husband and I drove out to stay with them. It was a very relaxing week, we slept in, hung out, played lots of cards, and ate. Some of the food was good food. However, there were snacky foods that weren't so great, candy, chips, etc. We also ate out as well, so overall not a good food week. I did manage to work out a little while on vacation, but not enough to make up for the poor food choices I was making. We are back now, I will get back on track.
What bothers me is as I go through this process I've realized that my thought process towards food is very twisted. First it was addressing my emotionally eating, that I reason in my head I can eat what I want when I'm emotional. Then facing the idea that people reward us with bad food. Now it's "oh I'm on vacation" I can let down because I'm on vacation. The list grows from there, its the holidays, its my birthday, there is "nothing" to eat so I "have to eat this" it goes on and on and on. We have given ourselves so many excuses, reasons, why I can eat what I want. It is as if, I'm in denial about what I'm doing to myself. Even though I am starting to see the truth, I still find myself falling into that twisted thought process and making the bad choices. Though weight loss is a physical battle the mental is a battle that I am now waging war upon.
So my first battle, facing the gym. I've started to go and I'm slowly warming up to it.....mainly because when I go it's in the afternoon and there is barely anybody there. So I feel a little better cause there are fewer eyes that are potentially on me. Plus I don't have to wait for machines. Next step...classes. I need to start attending, cause its a great way to make 45 minutes of cardio to go by fast....and possibly make friends at the gym. Then maybe get a gym buddy. The gym needs to be a part of my everyday routine. So when I miss a day, I feel it immediately and will force myself to keep going.
My second battle FOOD!!! When I go grocery shopping I do very well, buy the right stuff, and stay on track. Then I go to work, I don't pack a lunch and then I fall. Reason in my head that since I don't have any food to eat, I have to eat something. I need to be more prepared. Not to mention if I'm out and bout before I go to work and don't have the "time" to pack my lunch I'm not making good choices on where to go to grab a healthy lunch before work. Also I need to have good food to eat late at night when I get home from work. So I don't binge on chips and salsa or late night pizza. Not to mention when I showed my trainer my food journal....she wasn't too please. I guess I'm not doing as good as I thought I was.
On the upside. My trainer did the typical weigh you, pinch you, and find out how much work they have in store for them. I know...how is this up? Well first of all when she weighed me I had lost two pounds. That is upside numero uno!!! Also when she pinched me my body fat is at like a 32% (I don't know for sure, I was looking over her shoulder) which is a plus for me. You see the last time I had my body fat measured I was at 47% which means my hard work is paying off. I still have a long ways to go, but progress is being made.
LASTLY!!! Biggest Loser is back on, a good source of inspiration to keep me going.
ONWARD AND UPWARD!!!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Week 14 Day 3
Confession: I got a venti quad carmel macchiato
It's a starbucks cup of deliciousness that is full of sugar, fat and other bad things. It was a weakness, but I was able to curb my soda cravings. I even packed my own "dinner" for work as well. So overall last night it was a success. So I've been weighing myself everyday and yesterday I was at 220lbs and today I'm at 217lbs!!! Obviously the working out, and eating right, packing snacks etc..are working. I need to be more consistent with packing lunches and eating healthy. Part of what has been pushing me is my trainer giving me homework. Being accountable to her has definitely given me a good push, and new motivation.
ONWARD AND UPWARD
It's a starbucks cup of deliciousness that is full of sugar, fat and other bad things. It was a weakness, but I was able to curb my soda cravings. I even packed my own "dinner" for work as well. So overall last night it was a success. So I've been weighing myself everyday and yesterday I was at 220lbs and today I'm at 217lbs!!! Obviously the working out, and eating right, packing snacks etc..are working. I need to be more consistent with packing lunches and eating healthy. Part of what has been pushing me is my trainer giving me homework. Being accountable to her has definitely given me a good push, and new motivation.
ONWARD AND UPWARD
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Week 14 Day 2
Confession: I have lost focus....if you couldn't tell.
I'm back and hopefully back for a while. Yes, I have fallen off the wagon. The grazing is back, soda is slowly creeping back into my life, and the workouts have all but cease to exist. I was in a downward spiral, I was happy with shedding a few pounds, clothes went back to fitting better, no need to keep up with the work outs right? WRONG!!!! I have been slowly gaining back 5lbs. If I keep this way I'll be back where I started and that will be no bueno.....ESPECIALLY if I want to be 50lbs lighter by my birthday.
Soooooooooo.........I did it!!! I joined a gym!!! I finally did it. So fingers cross, I go and I make progress. The perk to joining is that I get 4 free sessions with a training. The upside to that is that her goal is to get me going, get a routine in place and get me comfortable at the gym on my own. I want to be able to go, not be intimated by the machines and feel comfortable in my own skin. I had my first session today and I really liked my trainer. She gave me homework (workouts, and a food journal). I'm not going to lie the food journal will be a stretch, but I will try.
I also promise to start posting more often, keep everyone up to date.
ONWARD AND UPWARD
I'm back and hopefully back for a while. Yes, I have fallen off the wagon. The grazing is back, soda is slowly creeping back into my life, and the workouts have all but cease to exist. I was in a downward spiral, I was happy with shedding a few pounds, clothes went back to fitting better, no need to keep up with the work outs right? WRONG!!!! I have been slowly gaining back 5lbs. If I keep this way I'll be back where I started and that will be no bueno.....ESPECIALLY if I want to be 50lbs lighter by my birthday.
Soooooooooo.........I did it!!! I joined a gym!!! I finally did it. So fingers cross, I go and I make progress. The perk to joining is that I get 4 free sessions with a training. The upside to that is that her goal is to get me going, get a routine in place and get me comfortable at the gym on my own. I want to be able to go, not be intimated by the machines and feel comfortable in my own skin. I had my first session today and I really liked my trainer. She gave me homework (workouts, and a food journal). I'm not going to lie the food journal will be a stretch, but I will try.
I also promise to start posting more often, keep everyone up to date.
ONWARD AND UPWARD
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Week 13 Day 2
Confession: The eating out has gotten a little out of control.
So I see my husband about two days a week. This is due to our crazy opposite schedules! so our time together is precious! So when we are together, I just don't want to cook or do anything, just be with my husband. Therefore, we eat out. Its how we kinda built our relationship, we ate out a lot when we started dating. Thus, me gaining weight, and starting the blog. Not to mention I haven't worked out in over a week.
Here's the deal, I have been working through some serious emotions. Digging through emotions, memories, facing fears, pain, and reality!!! I'm growing up all over again. I still have some things to deal with, and people to face, but I will prevail.
Since I have dug through so much and faced so much I'm re-motivated to move forward!!!
I worked out yesterday and got my butt kicked!!! Then I decided to run today!!! I am so sore its insane! Hopefully I'll be able to get out bed tomorrow.
ONWARD AND UPWARD
So I see my husband about two days a week. This is due to our crazy opposite schedules! so our time together is precious! So when we are together, I just don't want to cook or do anything, just be with my husband. Therefore, we eat out. Its how we kinda built our relationship, we ate out a lot when we started dating. Thus, me gaining weight, and starting the blog. Not to mention I haven't worked out in over a week.
Here's the deal, I have been working through some serious emotions. Digging through emotions, memories, facing fears, pain, and reality!!! I'm growing up all over again. I still have some things to deal with, and people to face, but I will prevail.
Since I have dug through so much and faced so much I'm re-motivated to move forward!!!
I worked out yesterday and got my butt kicked!!! Then I decided to run today!!! I am so sore its insane! Hopefully I'll be able to get out bed tomorrow.
ONWARD AND UPWARD
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