Wednesday, May 25, 2011

I've had time to think

Confession: I am not excited about being pregnant.

I know I know I know I know....How could that be? I will be excited. It's going to be a process.

When I found out that I am pregnant my life did a total 180, I thought that the 180 would happen over time, nine months to be exact. Instead it practically happened over night, I went from employed, busy, and not worried about money, to unemployed, sick, broke, and depressed. Let me expound,

The surge of hormones in my body affected everything in my life and completely caught me off guard. It definitely affected my ability to work. Maintaining the control over my emotions went out the window, and I found myself halfway out the window trying to get my control back. I very quickly realized in a fast pace work environment I could not get a grip over night. Between the emotions and the sickness working full time and in a restaurant was no longer an option. I had to move on find something less stressful, fewer hours, and fewer smells. I know I can handle a job, the one I had wasn't one I could handle.

Quitting meant seeing my work friends less. Also since I am pregnant I can no longer hang with my friends like I use to. First of all they usually don't get off work till late at night and usually stay up until the wee hours of the morning. Since I was so sick waiting until after 10pm to see friends was not an option. Feeling well enough during the day to see friends? Not so much, Quitting was more than just losing my job, but it also meant losing a part of my social life. Which isn't terrible because it opened the door for a different social life. What stinks is that I never maintained friendships outside of work. I was too busy to see my friends who worked a 9-5 weekends off kind of jobs. I worked in the evenings and every weekend and holiday. So I lost my work social life and discovered I didn't have any other social life. So I'm feeling awful, my life and body are drastically changing and I don't know who to talk to? Even if I had kept my friends most of them are single and probably can't relate to a married pregnant girl?

So losing my incoming meant putting buying a house on hold. It also turned into more stress in my marriage. Now it is all on my husband to bring in the money. I had hoped to find a part time less crazy job, or a job that is somewhat closer to what I want to do in life. However, I have not found a job, and really haven't gotten much response from putting my resume out there...kinda not helping with the whole self esteem. Since my income is gone my husband now is working more so we can still try to buy a house which means him working more and me seeing him less, more stress on the marriage.

By now I am losing all motivation to move forward. I have found myself consumed with Netflix and wondering where my life is going?

I kept on saying to myself if I hadn't gotten pregnant I would not be in this slump. The fact is the slump was inevitable. I was no longer happy at my job, and did not have the motivation to move onto to something better. We have always wanted to buy a house but have not been strict enough with our finances to get our act together to buy a house. I was so consumed by my job and how unhappy I was I never bothered to cultivate relationships outside of work. I was slowly moving backwards. Getting pregnant should have been a wake up call but instead was an excuse for me to dive straight into the slump!!!

It has taken two months, losing friends, and no response from employers to make me realize that maybe I need to change. I am changing whether I like it or not. My body is changing and my whole life will change once my little one arrives.

So I have started reading 48 days to the work you love. Reading this book is turning into my wakeup call.

I must admit my husband is probably shocked I'm reading a book.

So I am waking up, figuring what is the "work I love?" In the meantime I'm trying to find some sort of job to keep me moving until I know what to do next. I am going to work on making relationships that will keep me accountable and encouraged. Ones that it doesn't matter what I'm doing in life they will still be there and we will make time for each other.

There are a few friends who have been with me through all of this and I am grateful to you!!! You are first on the list for me to strengthen our relationship.

It is time for me to grow up and

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Officially into the Second Trimester

Confession: I'm tired of everything being so "common"

While doing research and learning about how my body is changing I'm learning everything that is "common" in a pregnancy is happening to me.

Morning Sickness: common occurrence during the first trimester. Which I knew about and figured since my sister had pretty bad morning sickness so I figured I would probably have the same problem. Needless to say it was a nightmare. Everything I smelt made me want to vom everywhere. Not to mention my diet got stripped down to what stays down, and what comes up nicely. However, I thought there was light at the end of the tunnel, second trimester (commonly known for the sickness going away)

Heartburn: Yeah that common and I get it quit a bit. Looks like I'll be adding tums to my diet. They say its a sign my baby has a lot of hair....but I don't think that much hair has developed yet.

Constipation: Another common thing that happens during pregnancy. This one I was not aware of...(because my research has been put on hold due to the fact that I was busy hanging out with Mr. Toilet) So one day I have the common urge to use the restroom. While chilling in the Reasor's bathroom I'm wondering why this is taking longer than normal and why things are not just moving the way they should. Finally, I give up and rush home. Mainly because my business wasn't done and I wanted to finish at home. Hours later, after much consumption of water, fiber, and laxatives relief. However, it wasn't quit totally relief....two days later I FINALLY got my system cleared out. Even though my system was clear I managed to clog the toilet. Thinking that was rough but glad it's over, boy was I wrong. So now my diet has changed to an increase in water intake, fiber and laxatives.

Belly Pains: There is a technical term for it I can't remember, the pain you feel while your uterus is stretching. I hope this will only last for a short time, but between the constipation pains and uterus stretching my stomach is in constant pain.

For one week I would like to be pregnant and not have to deal with all the "common" things that happen during pregnancy.