Wednesday, May 25, 2011

I've had time to think

Confession: I am not excited about being pregnant.

I know I know I know I know....How could that be? I will be excited. It's going to be a process.

When I found out that I am pregnant my life did a total 180, I thought that the 180 would happen over time, nine months to be exact. Instead it practically happened over night, I went from employed, busy, and not worried about money, to unemployed, sick, broke, and depressed. Let me expound,

The surge of hormones in my body affected everything in my life and completely caught me off guard. It definitely affected my ability to work. Maintaining the control over my emotions went out the window, and I found myself halfway out the window trying to get my control back. I very quickly realized in a fast pace work environment I could not get a grip over night. Between the emotions and the sickness working full time and in a restaurant was no longer an option. I had to move on find something less stressful, fewer hours, and fewer smells. I know I can handle a job, the one I had wasn't one I could handle.

Quitting meant seeing my work friends less. Also since I am pregnant I can no longer hang with my friends like I use to. First of all they usually don't get off work till late at night and usually stay up until the wee hours of the morning. Since I was so sick waiting until after 10pm to see friends was not an option. Feeling well enough during the day to see friends? Not so much, Quitting was more than just losing my job, but it also meant losing a part of my social life. Which isn't terrible because it opened the door for a different social life. What stinks is that I never maintained friendships outside of work. I was too busy to see my friends who worked a 9-5 weekends off kind of jobs. I worked in the evenings and every weekend and holiday. So I lost my work social life and discovered I didn't have any other social life. So I'm feeling awful, my life and body are drastically changing and I don't know who to talk to? Even if I had kept my friends most of them are single and probably can't relate to a married pregnant girl?

So losing my incoming meant putting buying a house on hold. It also turned into more stress in my marriage. Now it is all on my husband to bring in the money. I had hoped to find a part time less crazy job, or a job that is somewhat closer to what I want to do in life. However, I have not found a job, and really haven't gotten much response from putting my resume out there...kinda not helping with the whole self esteem. Since my income is gone my husband now is working more so we can still try to buy a house which means him working more and me seeing him less, more stress on the marriage.

By now I am losing all motivation to move forward. I have found myself consumed with Netflix and wondering where my life is going?

I kept on saying to myself if I hadn't gotten pregnant I would not be in this slump. The fact is the slump was inevitable. I was no longer happy at my job, and did not have the motivation to move onto to something better. We have always wanted to buy a house but have not been strict enough with our finances to get our act together to buy a house. I was so consumed by my job and how unhappy I was I never bothered to cultivate relationships outside of work. I was slowly moving backwards. Getting pregnant should have been a wake up call but instead was an excuse for me to dive straight into the slump!!!

It has taken two months, losing friends, and no response from employers to make me realize that maybe I need to change. I am changing whether I like it or not. My body is changing and my whole life will change once my little one arrives.

So I have started reading 48 days to the work you love. Reading this book is turning into my wakeup call.

I must admit my husband is probably shocked I'm reading a book.

So I am waking up, figuring what is the "work I love?" In the meantime I'm trying to find some sort of job to keep me moving until I know what to do next. I am going to work on making relationships that will keep me accountable and encouraged. Ones that it doesn't matter what I'm doing in life they will still be there and we will make time for each other.

There are a few friends who have been with me through all of this and I am grateful to you!!! You are first on the list for me to strengthen our relationship.

It is time for me to grow up and

1 comment:

  1. Another GREAT book to read is "Quitter" It is brand new and is written by a guy who works for Dave R. and it is amazing and I thought of you during a lot of it. Some of it may not apply right now since the first chapter is "don't quit your day job", but it goes in depth about not just jumping at some crap job that will make you miserable just because your desperate. I think you should check it out. If you have the Nook App on your iphone I can "lend it" to you so you don't even have to buy it or go to the library.
    Much love and support for this side of the turnpike!!!!


I greatly appreciate all forms of encouragement and advise you may have to offer.